A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Monday, March 6, 2017

DRIFTING

I find myself adrift.

No motivation, no ambition.

I don't have a TV, but don't kid yourself, the computer is on and old shows, DVD's, and in any given month I might be subscribed to Netflix or Amazon Prime.

Wasting time, wasting life.  Don't go to church anymore, not many churches today are where I am at theologically.  I've discovered in my studies, the questioning of Paul's Epistles belonging in the Bible has been raging since Day 1.  Early church fathers totally rejected Paul, not until Constatine did Paul become important, so important most all churches today are Paulinian not Jesus focused.  Kierkegaard rejected Paul, thus his statement "I am not a Christian" came from his rejection of Paul's words over the OT and Jesus' words.  Tolstoy rejected Paul, even Bonhoeffer rejected Paul, thus his book The Cost of Discipleship where he trashes the 'cheap grace' of Paul's epistles.

Well I do have this dream of riding my bike across America in 2020 to take my mom's ashes home.  I got the bike now, only need to get myself in shape  to make the trip, physically and financially.  Right now those are far off.

Do I have goals?  Well, and there is don't be fired.  I find myself figuring out if I can put another % in company stock or 401k, yes, started a 401k, and then multiplying it out till I'm 70 and thinking well, as long as the market triples over the next 11 years, I continue to get about 4% a year increases, I can work with same company for another 10 years, the company continues to grow, the US economy recovers and grows,  I will have enough to retire.  There are a whole lot of 'if's' in that plan I have absolutely no control over.

What kind of idiocy am I thinking?  Like XXX is going to let me continue what I'm doing for another 10 years, like AI won't be replacing this position by the time I'm 65 and like they don't have some sort of way to rid people at 65.  Do you know how many things can go wrong in 10 years to prevent that plan from working?

I'm trying to live simply, drive a 99 volvo still and hopefully will for a few more years.  Trying to put 12% in stock and 401k now, trying to eliminate things so I can increase that number.  Get a raise, increase the % and never actually get any of the raise.

And I think this is a plan?  If one thing life has taught me, plans, never work.

See, the problem is, as we move forward in time, the BB and Gun X'ers are going to need to work past 65 in a society that will push them out at 65, in a society that will be replacing 50% of all jobs with robots within 20 years.

Smart people in government and business would be thinking about this, not whether someone had lunch with a Russian in 2016.  But then smart people don't go to DC, little people who dream of power and sell their soul to the devil go to DC, so can't expect much hope, only chains, from them.

What I need, is to relax and enjoy the drifting.  And just accept the fact of life that no matter what I do, it won't matter in the end.


I said land-ho, will I be sailing forever
Oh-oh I gotta find some shelter from the cold
Land-ho, will I be searching forever
Oh-oh I gotta find an anchor for my soul

Well you may think I'm a fool, and think I'm running away
But I've had enough of the city lights, oh I've got no reason to stay

I said land-ho, will I be sailing forever
Oh-oh I need some wind to help me to my goal
Land-ho, will I be searching forever
Oh-oh, I gotta find an anchor for my soul

When you're alone there's not a sail in sight
Oh it's cold and dark and there's no one there to see you through the night
There once was a lady made me feel alright
But she couldn't stay so one lonely day, she just sailed away
And took away my life

Maybe I'll always be sad, and maybe there'll always be strife
Drifting alone with a saddened tone, afloat on the ocean of life