This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Sunday, July 26, 2015


So, this past week, some guy named Abdual who worships a moon god shoots a bunch of unarmed servicemen and others and the media explains to all of us middle of the country doofus', or would that be doofi, that we cannot be quick to jump to any conclusion that some mohammad worshiping  follower would kill a bunch of americans in the 'land of satan' on the last day of Ramayabadabadooan, which apparently gets bonus points in the game.

However, last month, some white guy sits in a black church and shoots a bunch of people and immediately it's the fault of the confederate flag.

Did anyone check Abdual's apartment for a confederate flag?  I'm not exactly sure what classes journalism majors take these last few years, but apparently if a muslim kills non muslims we cannot jump to any conclusions but if a white person kills anyone we can immediately blame guns, God, anti gay, anti black, Pat Buchanan, anti mexican,  Donald Trump, or the confederate flag without waiting.

White people apparently are so simple minded it's obvious, inbred muslims are much more complex.  And the Koran, while often instructing readers and believers that it's their duty to kill anyone that doesn't believe in what Mohammad wrote, makes fun of Mohammad, and killing jews is even extra extra bonus points in the video game of life, it doesn't really say that, in spite of many muslim killers directly quoting it as their reasoning.  However, although the New Testament does not say anywhere we should kill enemies, but love them, literal readers of such material are often blamed for murderous actions - which I think means Christians love to literally take words that don't actually exist but are also brutalized in the media if they take things in the new testament literally, like homosexuality is a sin.

Do you realize the media in this country think a Christian who says homosexuality is a sin is more demonized than a muslim who shoots dead a bunch of unarmed people during Ramayadabadooan?

Some things are just too hard for an average guy to figure out.

Speaking of which, if we are to rely on our service men and women to protect us from terrorists and foreign invaders, wouldn't their job be easier if they were allowed to be armed?  I mean if foreigners can have guns, shouldn't we allow our servicemen to at least have a fair fight?  And while I am all for american citizens having guns, while I am all for concealed carry, do we really want foreigners to be able to buy guns?  I mean, are we handing Glocks to all the illegal aliens coming over the border - wait, stupid question on my part, of course Obama is handing out Glocks to all the illegal aliens.

Some things are just too hard for an average guy to figure out.

H.R. 1599.  Bill just passed the House.  Basically, here is what Monsanto wrote for the bill.  You no longer have to say a food has GMO, nor can you say it does not have GMO.  The bill overrides any state and local laws.  And you can feed a cow hormones and GMO grain and still call a food organic.
Only 150 some congresspeople voted against it.

So why stop there?  Why not make it illegal to specify the location of wine?  When you go to the store for that bottle of Merlot, wouldn't it be easier if it didn't say, made in France, made in Michigan, made in California, made in Australia?  You could just buy a Merlot and have no idea where it came from, what country, what winery.  Because that is what this law is doing with our food.

I called my congressman before the vote, thankfully, my congressman which covers two very liberal cities, is voting and did vote against it.  This week I will call my senators.  I don't have much hope, last election we had a bill that would require GMO labeling and it lost, might have had something to do with Monsanto, Cargill and others pumping 10M into an advertising campaign, more the 9.2 million more than supporters had to play with.

Monsanto has so many members of congress in their pocket there is little hope this will be killed.  I was singing Burn Down Monsanto all week, to the tune of Burn Down the Mission

you tell me there are pesticides in my food
did they say it was all good for you?
for things are getting desperate in our times
mixing pesiticides and hormones in our limes

everybody, bring your family down to the local store
look for milk and beef where the hormones hide
behind false packaging of lies the rich men sleep
it's time we put a flame torch to their keep

burn down monsanto
if we're going to stay alive
get the GMO's out of our foods
watch their chemicals light the sky

Burn down mosanto, burn it down to stay alive
it's our only chance of living
without bad drugs and chemicals inside....

Deep in the woods the squirrels are out to play
Congressmen are bribed by Monsanto in total
But what more could I do while we still have time
Than burn burn burn burn before they poison us all

Burn down Monsanto 
Burn it down to stay alive
It's our only chance of eating
Without bad chemicals inside

So, who do you think will sue first, Elton John or Monsanto?

Okay, while being creative, I also wrote this song to the WKRP theme song, tell me this wouldn't play well in a honky tonk in Texas next weekend.

Baby, if you ever wondered
Wondered, whatever became of me
I'm an unemployed bankrupt alcoholic 
Aren't you glad you didn't marry me

My three ex wives pretend I don't even exist
And our 12 kids tell their friends their daddy died of aids
Maybe you and I were never meant to be
But please quit celebrating because you never married me

You were the one I really truly did love
Those other three dozen women hardly meant a thing 
Maybe you and me were never meant to be
But could we get together just for one more little fling

Sunday, July 19, 2015


I think I wrote about this once in my book, but I wanted to talk about it again, and since it's my blog, I will.

Have you ever heard of David Paulides?  Missing 411?  If you have not, you really need to take the time to read/listen to his stories.  Coast to Coast has had him on since spring 2012 and he is the number one requested guest and he will be on this Monday again.

David Paulides is a retired cop, detective, and apparently was a pretty good one, since he was brought in way back when for the Polly Klaas investigation, for those of you with a good memory.  He is an avid hunter and woodsman, and yes, he's done Bigfoot stuff but put that aside for this conversation.

Back in 2011, he was visiting a national park and one evening a couple of park employees stopped by his cabin for a conversation.  They told him of a situation in parks all over the country, where people go missing, and there are no reasons found, weird - and I mean very weird circumstances.  So he started to investigate.

One thing he found was that the park services didn't want him looking into these situations.  He could not get any info from them, FOIA requests were constantly rejected.  And as he dug into things, he uncovered something that totally blows him, and will blow you away.

He actually produced two books because of what he found would not fit into one.  He leaves out Florida and Texas because they could be their own books.  But remember, he is a former detective.  He does not include people who go missing that 'might' have wanted to disappear, people who were attacked by animals, etc.  He documents cases where kids who were kidnapped and found later, most often dead, so far away from where they went missing that the child could not have possibly gotten there on his own, yet no evidence exists as to how the child died.

Strange things connect them, like missing clothes, bright colors, etc.  Some cases you have hundreds and hundreds of people searching for the missing person and one day they are just lying on the ground, dead, in a place that was searched repeatedly.  Or very bizarre cases where all they find are, well, picture getting ready for bed, you undo your pants, they drop to the ground around your socks, and that is what they find; socks, with a small bone or two, pants and underwear on the ground, maybe a piece of skull a few feet away.

Now, you want to think this is some animal eating the person, a cougar or bear grabbing the person, but those answers don't fit.  Our service is very good and tracking such events, there are signs left, like blood, torn clothing, animal waste with human remains or clothing, but these do not exist for these cases.

And the cases where people just plain disappear in seconds, in plain sight.  Bunch of kids and family out for picnic, dad sees junior hide behind a bush, but never comes out.  No tracks, no signs, seconds later kid is gone, people rush searching and nothing, nada, never seen again.

And there are clusters in this country where such events occur.  Yosemite is the largest, but all around the country these areas exist.  And what you need to do is just listen to these stories, these interviews, and don't form an off the cuff opinion, just soak it in and the longer you do this the weirder and stranger it becomes and for every answer you might come up with, you can say no.

It's not druggies, it's not cougars, it's not bigfoot, it's not aliens, it's not, well, you name it, you can find a case that would discount it.  This is what I am talking about when I talk about a big box and thinking.  This will blow your mind.  And there is another point, no failures.  No attempted abductions that fail, that is not human.  Even Bundy or Gacy failed occasionally, which is how they were caught.  A teen girl walking a little ahead of the group, they see her stop, look off the trail, step off the trail just 100 yards from her friends, and when they get to that point, she is gone.  Nothing, no evidence, nothing, just walked off into the Twilight Zone with one step.

One story at RMNP here is Colorado is recent and strange, two guys, both search and rescue trained, 20 somethings physically fit dudes go camping.  When they stop and are setting up camp, the dog goes barking and charging into the woods, one of the guys goes in after him and is never seen again.  His buddy, calls a few times, goes looking, back to camp, waits an hour, sets off alarms and they are all over the place within hours.  Eventually, the dog shows up, the man, never found, no evidence, no sounds, no yells, no parts, no scat, nothing.

What bends your mind, is eventually you can only come up with explanations for this that totally blow a materialistic naturalistic worldview.  I think the biggest mistake you can make listening is making the assumption that all these cases have a single solution, that may be an erroneous assumption.  What causes people missing in swamps in MA may not be what happens in the Smokey Mountains which may not be the same as RMNP or Yosemite.  Then, maybe it is.  But there does seem to be two different stories here, one where remains are eventually found and others where they just are gone.  As one ranger said, "he didn't go up the mountain, he didn't come down the mountain, but he isn't on the mountain".

Or a group horseback riding up around a lake, they stop for lunch.  Young woman and old guy take a walk, he stops to rest, she walks down the trail to the lake.  Now pictures this, old guy is sitting on a rock, the rest of the group and see them both, she walks down the trail to the lake, there is a little patch of woods before the lake, she walks into the woods but never out the other side, which they can all see, they are on this in minutes, on horseback and only thing ever found was the lens cap to her camera.  There was no way, under cover to get around the lake, down the mountain, up the mountain, without being seen and over a dozen people on horseback who were all well versed in camping and hunting are looking for her and she just was swallowed up by the woods.

What is really great, is the author doesn't speculate.  He just gathers the facts and lays them out, he doesn't speculate it's UFO's or Bigfoot or whatever.  He does eliminate certain theories, he does show how it's not pot growers, meth lab people, cougars or bears, etc.

Common denominators?  Bright clothing, water, getting ahead of a group or lagging behind a group. Oh, and those areas known as Devil something.  Many of these areas have stories going back hundreds of years, and there may be a reason why they have that name.  Oh, another thing, search dogs.  They will bring search dogs in and dogs may start the search and then suddenly stop and not go further, lay down, go around in a circle and weep. Behavior abnormal to a search dog.

Point is, this is an amazing story.  You can pull C2C interviews back to March of 2012, there are four books now by the author on this, don't buy on amazon, those are resells, but you can go to canammissing.com to get them.

I am totally fascinated by this story.  I also will not go hiking around here without my 357, which is no guarantee, because people armed have gone missing.  I'm also looking at the map of clusters trying to figure if I ever make that cross country bicycle trip to take my folks ashes back to WV, how I can ride thru as many clusters as I can.  Gotta love a fool.

I've thrown some links in for additional reading and listening.  I wish I knew how to embed the mp3's into this blog with the original interviews from 2012 and 2013 at C2C so you could listen to them in order, but you will have to do your own investigation.  I promise you that you will not be disappointed by taking the time to listen to these interviews or to reading the books.

okay, great, none of the links work.  trying again - okay, now they work.








Well, it's nice to know a peace loving squirrel petting nuts and berry eating muslim is at it again.  Tell me, when you heard about the shooting yesterday where unarmed marines and navy people on a base were gunned down, were you surprised when you learned the name was something like Mohammad Sandcamel Flockaroo?  Admit it, you would have been surprised if the guy's name was John Smith.

I'm sorry to break the news, but our country is lost.  It's gone, it's over, it's done.  The fat lady has sung her last song.  The concert is over, the illegal aliens are sweeping up the floors and emptying the trash.

First of all, we are no longer a republic.  I doubt we are even a democracy anymore.  I don't think there has been a valid legit election in 10 years.  Computer voting has pretty much guaranteed predetermined results regardless of who votes, where they vote, or how many times they vote.  We live in a kingdom now, not with one king, per se, but with an elite class that are above the law.  The rest of us versus them.  People go to DC and state capitols, their dreams and fetishes are fed and recorded, and now they face the option of going along and becoming wealthy or ruin via blackmail.  So they go along.  They vote the way they are told, don't even read what they vote on.  And after 10 years in DC, they are multi millionaires with their ability to legally do insider trading.  And the media, probably also being blackmailed go right along.  After all, when was the last time you heard a follow up story of the billionaire, his plane, underage girls, his own island, and politicians like Bill Clinton making multiple trips.

You or I, we'd go to prison, they get reelected.

Here is a test.  Did globalization make you richer or has globalization cost you, family, friends, their jobs and careers?  Since 1994, have you, family or friends lost your job, spent extended periods of time on unemployment or have you been able to brag at the club how much you made in your stock portfolio on the war in Afghanistan or Iraq?

During the past 15 years or so, we have had nearly uninterrupted flooding of illegal aliens in this country from Mexico, the Middle East, and China.  Why?  Why would our appointed officials in DC and state capitols allow this to happen?  Cheap labor.  It will not affect their incomes, but does the majority of the country.  We shipped millions of manufacturing jobs overseas for the corporate bottom line.

Our president says we are not at war with Islam.  And we are not.  However, Islam is at war with us and the longer we live in denial, the stronger a hold they will get in this country. Just look at Europe - look at France, England, Sweden, Denmark and other countries where Islam has taken such a hold there are areas the police will not go, where the Sharia Law is the rule of law, and it just keeps expanding and expanding and they have no idea how to stop it.  Of course, if some politician comes out against it, suggests maybe sending 'home' all the illegals, they are immediately called bigots, racists, nazi's, etc.

And now recent article showed we are allowing nearly a quarter million middle easterners into the country this summer on student visas.  Or perhaps you heard the interview on Steel on Steel where Christians in countries like Iraq, Syria, Egypt, etc cannot get visas to this country, but if you are muslim it's being streamlined.

So we have tens of thousands of people from the middle east coming to this country every year, members of a quasi religious organization that believes in conquering the world, not through love, but through force.  Mohammad, Stalin, Mao.  Communism and Islam.  If your philosophy cannot stand up to questioning and debate, kill all those with questions until you have no one left who can debate, you can claim victory and superiority.

Soon many parts of this country will become Islamic regions, with their own laws, own rules, and there will be nothing we can do about it.  We are defeated by tolerance.  We are tolerating ourselves into the grave.

Hundreds of thousands of people are streaming over our border on the south every month.  We are having flareups of diseases we long ago wiped out in this country.  Children from central and south america are dropped into our school systems and exposing all the children to TB and other things.  Wouldn't be surprised if polio doesn't make a comeback soon.

Jobs will go to the cheapest labor.  I really don't understand why black americans aren't up in arms over what their elected black officials have done to them.  They have sold out black america.  Why is there 40% or higher unemployment in the black communities?  Because the illegal aliens have taken over all the jobs that use to go to the 'high school graduate' in this country.  Taxi drivers are illegals from the middle east, construction and factory work are illegals from the south, hotel and restaurant workers are from south of the border.

And, it's all been the plan.  Do you think this is an accident?  Do you think it's just happened this way? Golly, never saw this coming?  It is designed ladies and gentlemen.  This is all a plan, a design, to change the world.

At least the republican party is philosophically honest in their efforts to bring in cheap labor for the corporate bottom line.  Democrats though give speeches how they are for the blacks, how they are for the unions, how they are for the little guy, then just knife them in the back.  Be nice if one election, the blacks, the unions, the poor, etc stayed home and said "we don't believe you anymore" to the dems.

The middle class in America has been under attack for 30 years and we were too stupid to see what was happening.  The last thing the elite want is a strong middle class, they want separation, no bell curve here, they want a big lower class worker ants, a small middle class with no power who is beholden to the elites, and a group of elites with a strong military police force to protect them from the lower class.

Admit it, you've been thinking about this, you've been feeling it in your bones. You want a reboot, a rewind, you want the middle easterners out of America, you want the mexican invasion to stop and send back the millions that have come here over the last 20 years.  You want the jobs, you want the wages to go up so average joe who graduates high school can find a job, earn enough to get married, raise a family, and not worry every day that he might lose his job.

And that is what Donald Trump knows.  He knows there is a feeling in this country, a fear, and he is going to tap that fear, he is going to promise to make this country white again.  He won't say it, but that is what we will hear.  Out with the Islamic crowd, out with the illegal mexicans - central americans - russians - chinese, bring back America, bring back the apple pie, baseball, fourth of july parades.  He is going to tap this, he is going to tap the feeling many people have of a lost country.

On one hand, I agree.  On the other hand, it's just what Hitler did once.

Beware of the man on the white horse.  His solutions are often worse than the problem he solves.

Home from work our Juliet
Clears her morning meal
She dabs her skin with pretty smells
Concealing to appeal
I will make my bed
She said, but turned to go
Can she be late for her Cinema show ?
Cinema show ?

Romeo locks his basement flat
And scurries up the stair

With head held high and floral tie
A weekend millionaire
I will make my bed
With her tonight, he cries
Can he fail, armed with his chocolate surprise ?
Take a little trip back with Father Tiresias

Listen to the old one speak of all he has lived through
I have crossed between the poles, for me there's no mystery
Once a man, like the sea I raged
Once a woman, like the earth I gave
And there is in fact more earth than sea

Take a little trip back with Father Tiresias
Listen to the old one speak of all he has lived through
I have crossed between the poles, for me there's no mystery
Once a man, like the sea I raged
Once a woman, like the earth I gave
And there is in fact more earth than sea


Friday, July 17, 2015


I am still not buying the whole Donald thing.

He's played this game before, he's teased with running, then always backs out.  Now, this time, is he serious?

He certainly did shake some things up, going way far off the bell curve over immigration, to the point of absurd, and freaked everyone out.  Hey, I'm totally against all the illegal immigrants in this country, I have written against the illegals, I have pointed out how they are killing this country, sucking tax dollars that could be used elsewhere, taking jobs and artificially keeping wages low.  They come from all over the world, not just Mexico, but from Africa, the Middle East, Europe, Russia, Asia, South and Central America.  I'm sure there are few illegal Canucks in the country somewhere, other than the ones that just come here for their medical needs rather than waiting 6 months in Canada's great free medical system.

Amnesty?  No way.  Been here illegal for 20 years, good for you, now go home.  If you steal 20 bucks from the till at your bartending job for 20 years, you don't get to keep your job and keep stealing 20 bucks a night, you get fired.  Came here illegally and had children here?  Well, when you leave you can choose whether to leave them here or take them with you.  We don't have to suffer because you made such choices.

And as for the middle eastern states, close that down completely.  I'm sorry, all those middle eastern college kids coming over here with all that daddy oil money has had a lot to do with the tuition for college being ridiculously high, because middle eastern oil money can pay for it, middle class people cannot.  And of course, after coming here on a temp visa, they just stick around.  And shoot up military bases.

But Donald went a little further than even me on this issue.  Why?

See, I don't trust him.  He has donated  a lot of money to democrats over the years and I smell a rat.  I see another Perot setup to get Clinton into office by splitting the republican vote.

Hey, I'm looking forward to watching some of the debates.  I think Walker, Kasich, Perry, and Carly are pretty good candidates; I have zero interest in Bush, Fat Boy, and the two senators.  I also see, not quite predict, but I'm smelling a Bush/Cruz ticket - Bush is getting big Goldman money and Cruz's wife works for Goldman.

But here comes Trump to mess things up, and I am betting the man goes independent and assures the democrats of winning the white house again.

I mean, think about it this way.  Trump makes gazillions a year, makes all his rules, does whatever he wants and when he wants and he's wants  job with a 90% paycut, where his life is planned by others to the minute, and where he has to kiss butts of people all over the world?  Why?

I mean, that is a question someone should ask.  What is in it for him?  And is his motivation going to be good for the country?

I wonder how many illegal aliens Trump has employed at all his hotels and buildings changing beds and cleaning toilets?

How does it feel to be
One of the beautiful people?
Now that you know who you are
What do you want to be?
And have you travelled very far?
Far as the eye can see.
How does it feel to be
One of the beautiful people?
How often have you been there?
Often enough to know.
What did you see, when you were there?
Nothing that doesn't show.
Baby you're a rich man,
Baby you're a rich man,
Baby you're a rich man too.



Boy, did I do something stupid.  I've had my gmail email account for nearly 15 years.  And over that time I might have gotten 1 junk email a month, maybe.  I mean I would go months with no junk email.

Then a few weeks ago, I'm reading some news story and see this add about looking up yourself, so I do it.  Use my gmail account.  Get to the end and find out after collecting all this info from all these sources I can read it for 20 bucks.  So I cancel out.

Now, I get 50 junk emails a day.  All to Barkley.  I emailed the company offering that look into your life and really blasted them, they said they would take me off their mailing list, after they sold my email to hundreds of email marketers, so now I got a useless account.  I can't believe I did something that stupid after 15 years of protecting it so well.

Of course, small potatoes to The Joker's day.  Jury took just long enough for a couple more free meals to convict him of everything the prosecution asked for.

His law team never disputed whether he was the shooter, just said he did it and was nuts, jury said no, guilty.  And if I were on the jury, I would have come to that conclusion too, based on what was given.  So why am I still bothered by this?

Well, one, what forensic evidence do they have that he pulled a trigger?  You seen it?  I haven't.  Did they even run the tests?  I mean he should have gun powder and tear gas residue all over him, but unless I missed it, that was never admitted as evidence.

All they have is him sitting in a car, fully dressed in all his glory including as gas mask, and puts his hands up.  Even the arresting cops thought it was really weird, never saw anything like it before.

Witnesses after the shooting swear there were two shooters, one on each side, tossing tear gas and shooting.  They were not called during the trial.  However, one girl positively identified Holmes as the shooter which she apparently saw while lying on the ground in a row and used her Xray vision to see thru the military grade suit and headgear he was wearing thru the teargas.

And if he was wearing the gas mask, why are there photos of one laying on the ground outside the backdoor of the theatre?

And what of his roommates?  Yea, that three bedroom apartment that was expertly wired to blow, he had two roommates, but they were no where to be found, never have been found, does that bother anyone?  In fact, witnesses saw him in the parking lot of the building talking with someone three hours before the shooting, going back into the apartment, coming out and the two driving off together.

And back to the wired apartment.  Do you realize the time and effort that went into setting up that apartment, how it took them two days to disarm all the bombs in the apartment.  It was an amazing job, a sophisticated job, took a lot of time to setup and how did the cops know about it?  The joker casually mentioned it in the police car on the way to the police station.

Am I the only one bothered by any of this?

Sometimes you just get this feeling deep inside that so much is not real, it's all a show, it's all mind control, it's all brainwashing.

Wish I was back in the city
Instead of this old bank of sand,
With the sun beating down over the chimney tops
And the one I love so close at hand.
If I had wings and I could fly,
I know where I would go.
But right now I'll just sit here so contentedly
And watch the river flow.

People disagreeing on all just about everything, yeah,
Makes you stop and all wonder why.
Why only yesterday I saw somebody on the street
Who just couldn't help but cry.
Oh, this ol' river keeps on rollin', though,
No matter what gets in the way and which way the wind does blow,
And as long as it does I'll just sit here
And watch the river flow.

Bob Dylan

Friday, July 3, 2015


I suppose I should be upset with David Morrell for this, but as you will eventually read, it would be like blaming the weather.

I've been a fan of Morrell for years.  You may not know who he is, but you know his work.  First Blood - the first Rambo - is a Morrell book, and not even close to his best work.

I've been reading his stuff for over 30 years.  I love his earlier works, Testament is the most relentless book you will ever read, it punches you in the gut in the first 3 pages and you don't get your breath for a week after you finish the book.  Fraternity of the Stone is one of my favorite all time novels, two others followed along the same thought and characters, then came Covenant of the Flame and then, it kind of went downhill or just not as good.  He changed, I changed, who knows.

But two years ago he wrote Murder as a Fine Art and recently the sequel, Inspector of the Dead and may have created the ultimate anti hero in Thomas De Quincey.

Except, he didn't make him up.  There really was a Thomas De Quincey and now is where a person like me lands in trouble.

De Quincey was a writer in England in the early/middle 19th century.  A prolific writer as a matter of fact, and one of the more brilliant writers in history - for example, he talked about Freudian concepts of the mind, named them, 50 years before Freud came along and got all the credit, stealing much of De Quincey's work.

But what made De Quincey famous in England were two books, Confessions of an Opium Eater and Murder as a Fine Art.  Opium was a biographical work, for De Quincey was an opium addict, and his book brought forth a look into addiction that had never been seen or read for that time period.  Murder was the story of one of the first mass murder/serial killers in England and the story was so gory and real that it shocked a nation.

It also inspired Poe, who inspired Doyle to create Sherlock, which inspired Hammett, which has inspired millions of books and authors.  The True Crime genre traces to De Quincey.

And now, I've downloaded, free, on iBooks, just about everything De Quincey wrote and am reading it all.  I'm totally fascinated by the writings of this man.

And what started it, was his explanation of how he became an opium addict.  He starts telling a story of this glenn or village area of England, where many have homes, very far apart, and only seem to get together for church, auctions, etc.  This couple with 5 children, the first scandalously born out of wedlock with another man, live far off at the edge of everything.  The oldest is grown, and the parents leave one day to go to the town center for an auction, leaving four kids at home.  It begins to snow, the parents don't return, and after 3 days the oldest finally makes her way towards town, an alarm goes out, men search for the parents while others rescue the other children, parents are found dead, villagers adopt the children, money is raised so all will have a future.  Funny thing is, a future for her children, education, was what the mom wanted most in the world, and now in death, her children will get the life she always wanted them to have.  Now Wordsworth, the famous poet, though at this time is not famous, lives in village and is friends with De Quincey who often travels up from Oxford to visit.  Years later, Wordsworth hires one of those previously mentioned children to be nanny to the young 2 year old daughter, who Uncle Thomas loves dearly and is totally bewitched by because she looks so much like one of his sisters, who died when he was a child.  Well, the nanny is feeding raw carrots to the child, which you are not suppose to do, and after being told to not do so, continues, the child starts choking and while she survives is slightly brain damaged.  Well, Thomas is even more protective of his 'niece' and when ever he visits he spends all his time.

De Quincey is a student at Oxford, and first was introduced to opium at the dentist.  He has played in and out with it for 7 years, not really addicted, but maybe addicted, much like most 20 year olds today with beer or pot I would suspect.  One day he arrives home and there is a letter waiting, sealed in black wax,   Wordsworth's little girl, the light of De Quincey's eye, suffered convulsions during the night and died several days past.  De Quincey races up to the village, spends nights lying on her grave, grieving, comes back to Oxford, drops out, and gives into opium.

Now the point De Quincey makes, and believes me he does a much better job telling this story than I, but his point was is he an opium addict because he is a weak man, or was it ordained?  Look at all the links in all the chains; two of his sisters die in his youth, the parents who die after getting lost in the snowstorm headed home, the village taking in the children, one which becomes a nanny of a friend of De Quincey's, their daughter the splitting image of his dead sister, the feeding of carrots which caused convulsions which cause brain damage and probably the damage that caused the death.  What De Quincey points out is all these links, chains not ever related, that join together and if just one link is removed from any of the chains, it never happens, De Quincey speculates he never would have dropped out and got hooked.

And that is where I was hooked.  Because that is exactly what I've done a miserable job trying to describe in these blogs this uneasy feeling I have, deep in my soul, that so much of this free choice we believe in is an illusion.  That causes and effects that we are not even aware of are conspiring to smack into our lives at any moment, and there is nothing we can do about it.  There it was.

So, now, going to be reading lots of the writings of man long dead, long forgotten, until Morrell unearthed him, also got hooked, and is now writing novels based on De Quincey.  And I highly recommend you read these novels.  Morrell is famous for his research, and the picture he paints with words of 19th century England will make you feel like you are living there while you read.

A saxophone someplace far off played
As she was walking on by the arcade
As the light bust through a-beat-up shade where he was waking up
She dropped a coin into the cup of a blind man at the gate
And forgot about a simple twist of fate.

He woke up the room was bare
He didn't see her anywhere
He told himself he didn't care pushed the window open wide
Felt an emptiness inside to which he just could not relate
Brought on by a simple twist of fate.

He hears the ticking of the clocks
And walks along with a parrot that talks
Hunts her down by the waterfront docks where the sailers all come in
Maybe she'll pick him out again how long must he wait
One more time for a simple twist of fate.

People tell me it's a sin
To know and feel too much within
I still believe she was my twin but I lost the ring
She was born in spring but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate.

Bob Dylan