A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

WATCHING THE DAY APPROACH

Well, this year I was smart and scheduled tomorrow off.

Two years since my dad died.  It's not easier than last year.  I've been spacey all week, the past knocking, not wanting to look, unable to not answer the knock.  I hate looking back, focusing on what was, spending time thinking about something I cannot change, yet as the day approaches, the memories move aside the present.

And, today, could I really smell him?  Was my mind playing a trick on me?  Or did I really smell him in the hallway.  I prefer the mind trick explanation.

One good thing, tomorrow is only 24 hours and then it will be done, well, until the 24th and the anniversary of my mom's death, then the 26th an old friend, then the 28th, my dog Kahlua - the good border collie - and then the month will be over and hopefully no one will be added to the month.  I really hate June now.

But in all honesty, the others don't match what I feel about tomorrow.  I miss my mom, don't get me wrong, and there was a lot of work taking care of her for six years, lifting her out of beds to put on portable toilets, cleaning her, cleaning the bed, washing the clothes, making the bed dressing her and getting her back in bed - but it was  a shared experience; my dad was functioning fairly fine then, he helped a lot, we had a caretaker coming in while I was working.  My dad was 24/7 for 4 years, no breaks, no vacations, no income, no runs, no drips, no errors.

Okay, maybe a few dozen errors.

The intensity of the experience created some bond that will never leave.  I'll never get rid of it, and know that it's entirely possible 10 years from now, it will be just as strong as it is now.  And I'm okay with that, I'm not sure what I would do if one day looked at the calendar and realized it was June 29th and I didn't even think of my dad or mom as the dates passed.

That would be sad, too.

So two years have passed, and where I am?  Well, have a good job, not great, not hard, not challenging too much anymore, but it's good.  Stable.  Roof over head, same roof, same furniture, same car, same 24k in debt. Two years older.  But then, when you don't have goals, what you get is what you planned.

And I'm okay with that.  I'm alive, which I wouldn't have bet on a few years ago.  I'm healthy, so not complaining.  It's hard to pray now, not because I'm mad at God or anything, there is just nothing I need, so I thank God for my health, my job, a car that starts, stops, and doesn't blow up in between, the food on  my table, the roof over my head.

But sometimes I feel like I'm hiding.  Hidden from the world.  If I didn't have to walk the dog 3x a day, I could go three or four days and never leave the apartment.  Hiding from what?  Life?  Living?

Feeling?  No joy, no pain.  No happy no sad.  Just being, just existing.  Is this bad?  What I need?  Or will it become too comfortable over time?

Jeepers I hate this time of year.

Just look at the comfort that you call your home
Just kidding yourself that you're never alone
Well, maybe there's something, just one thing you shouldn't have said
So, you better beware

And, you better get, and you better get light in your head
And, you better get, and you better get peace in your bed
If you wanna get, if you wanna get high

You're watching the movie go blistering by
Just look at the sadness, I wish I could cry
Or maybe there's something, just one thing, that I should have said
Well, it better be said

Has the record been, has the record been holding your heart
It's beginning to, it's beginning to squeeze you apart
Don't you wanna get, don't you wanna get high

You're holding the world in the palm of your hand
Watch'ya tellin' your children, you don't understand

If you know what the meaning is


Supertramp

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