This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Sunday, May 31, 2015


Wish I had a great excuse for not having posted a thought in the last two weeks, but, perhaps I haven't had a thought yet.

Actually, when I was thinking about not thinking, I did have the thought to open a Twitter account and every day post something like "nothing to say today" or "wait, nope, nothing to say" and just do that everyday for a year and see if I could develop a following.

I've also been immersing myself in Jade Helm, Planet X, comets in September, and other such stuff; trying to put together some sort of pattern of things.  I do know this much, if nothing comes of all this Jade Helm thing, I can't wait to hear John Moore, Hag & Hag, Steve Quayle, Dave Hodges and others explain how they spent six months warning the country about the coming crappola and nothing happened.

Here's betting they take credit for nothing happening, saying they gave it so much publicity that the government couldn't carry it out.  And John Moore has to be the worse at scaring people with deadlines of this is going to happen and nothing happens.  I think I wrote once about one of his shows where Texas Troopers were warned to pack for a long period of not being home starting this weekend, which was last year sometime.  I can actually pull a thing from Stan Johnson with John Moore and Planet X where it was going to be here in 2012.  How does he have a following still?  Actually, another one is Lindsey Williams, crap, you can find interviews with him going back to the 1990's where the end of the world/economy/America was suppose to happen back then, and, well, here we are, I think we are still here.

But over the last 20 years, there are things that have floated out there that never connected to anything.  Like the 9/11 thing, which I don't buy into the conspiracy theory, but always wondered about the timing, the day after Rumsfeld announced the 2 trillion missing; or the day the buildings crashed down I wondered, what happens to all that gold that is stored underneath.  And all the debt, what has it been spent on?  Then there was that billions of rounds of hollow point ammo that the government bought a few years ago, then there was how two years ago you could not buy survival food anywhere because the government was buying it all up.


Something is coming down the pike and the government is preparing for it to happen.  The food, the bullets, the underground fortresses being built around the world, and Jade Helm is just putting the troops into place.  At least that is my theory.

Last weekend I watched several movies from one of my favorite genres, the 1950 alien attack end of the world type movies, Body Snatchers, When Worlds Collide, etc.  And in world's collide, what did the government do, secret projects to build ships for a select few to reach another planet.  Okay, I doubt that is what we are building, but if you dig around news stories you see where Russia has been building some new underground mountain hideaway, so has China, Sweden, and I suspect Germany, France and United Kingdom are doing the same.

Today, pulled out The Big Chill and watched it.  Great movie, though the scene where the guy asked is this a quaalude and I thought, gee, whatever happened to quaaludes?  But it's a great story of friends getting back together for the funeral of another college friend who commits suicide.  Little known trivia fact here, the dead body at the beginning getting 'dressed' for the coffin is actually played by Kevin Costner; originally the movie was going to have flashbacks to their 1960's college days but they were all cut so the only scene with Costner is the suit/shoe/hair thing at the beginning.  The director felt bad about it and later made sure he got a good role in Silverado to make up for it.

But it is a good movie to make you think, where you were in your youth and where you end up.  Which I can do for an afternoon but no longer, don't like 'living in the past'.  Plus, I was a little later in the time frame, late 70's for college and we didn't have all the change the world attitude like the 1st half baby boomers did, which later brought us the whole disco thing.  But we do change over time, some more than others, and never quite end up where we envisioned.

Our friends forever are lost over time, sometimes replaced by new friends, sometimes not, but can anyone really say their new friends met in the 30's 40's or 50's are really as close to us as those of our youth?  The walls and images we try so hard to maintain were not there in college, we were okay to be naked with those friends.  And for those who raise kids, promising themselves they will do it different than their parents, find themselves telling the same lies, the same yelling, and wondering what happened.

The unfinished paintings, the never written novel or book of poems, the songs never finished, all lie in our subconscious and when they reach our conscious, we throw them back, not wanting to think of the songs never sung, what we left behind.

Each choice we make, changes our destiny in some way.  Did I miss the love of my life by choosing Dallas over Austin?  Missing a train?  One job over another?  When we look back and start thinking of wishing we'd taken that offer, done something instead, we really don't realize our ability to think of that moment might have never happened had we made that choice, we might be dead because of that choice led to another and another that had us driving home on a road late at night in a state we never lived in where the drunk came over the line and our car was there instead of not there.

Coming out of college, I really had no goals, there was nothing I really wanted to do or be, just a girl I wanted to marry.  She didn't.  Dropped me out of the blue and it took me a long time to get over it but I came out with a new way to look at life.  Be healthy and happy with whatever I do, it doesn't really matter, what, just be happy while you are doing it.

And that is my goal.  I've been fortunate and blessed with good health, my diet and exercising helps with that, and for the most part I've been happy, even when taking care of my dad and all that it did, there was a happiness in me for doing it, for not giving in, for fighting the good fight.  Now, the 8 months of rejection and unemployment didn't leave me with being real happy, in fact whatever bitterness I have came from those months, not the months with my dad, but I think I've washed that from my life.

So when I look back at those college years, who I was and who I am today, I really don't get a lot of 'what happened to me' or 'how did I get here' thoughts because there really wasn't some dream to be crushed, compromised, or sold.

Healthy and happy.  Sweat the small daily stuff so you will be prepared for the blizzards of life.  Watch the road for an opportunity, run with it, enjoy it while it lasts, then do something else.

Back to the movie for a moment.  Those actors/actresses were really the cream of the crop at that moment in time, yet what happened to them?  When was the last time you saw Mary Kay Place, Tom Berringer, Meg Tilly, JoBeth Williams, or  Kevin Klein?  Maybe they are on TV and I just don't see them.  Glenn Close, William Hurt have made some movies and such in the past decades, Jeff Goldblum probably had the best career with big movies with Jurassic and Independence Day, but this cream of the crop of 30 year old actors, I wonder how many of them sit around and wonder what happened to their careers, they way they sat around in this movie wondering what became of their dreams.

Or, maybe Glenn Close hit the nail on the head in the movie, when she asked "was it all just.... fashionable?"

Ooh, I bet you're wonderin' how I knew
'Bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy you knew before
Between the two of us guys you know I love you more
It took me by surprise I must say
When I found out yesterday
Don'tcha know that I

Heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine
Oh I heard it through the grapevine
Oh I'm just about to lose my mind
Honey, honey yeah
(Heard it through the grapevine)
(Not much longer would you be my baby, ooh, ooh, ooh)

I know a man ain't supposed to cry
But these tears I can't hold inside
Losin' you would end my life you see
'Cause you mean that much to me
You could have told me yourself
That you love someone else
Instead I

Heard it through the grapevine

Creedence Clearwater Revival