A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Sunday, April 12, 2015

THINGS THAT JUST DON'T LET GO

Yearly physicals are like yearly visits to my tax attorney use to be.  You sit there wondering if everything is going to be okay or if it's the end of the world.

I remember once the tax attorney sighing and I'm like "oh shit" and then he says I owe 300 bucks and I'm like WOW, THAT'S GREAT.  He was upset because I owe, I never am upset because I owe, as long as it's not a lot of money.

Physicals are the same thing.  They do lots of tests, draw lots of blood and a day or two later the call comes from the nurse saying the doctor wants to talk about test results and your life flashes before your eyes until the doctor comes on the line and says, 'well, everything looks fine".  Okay, tri's were a little high and HDL's a little lower than they would like but overall, it's a pretty seriously cool set of results on this physical.

Am watching Exile this weekend.  I've had it for awhile, but wasn't in the mood to watch.  It's about a 40 year old who's life crashes in London and decides to go home and finds his sister taking care of his dad with Alzheimer's.  It's a mystery, but the scenes of his dad kind of bring back a whole lot of memories.

Truth is, it's not been quite two years since my dad died but I still have moments.  Moments when sudden panic attacks happen and I suddenly jump up to see where my dad is or hear a cough when there is no cough.  Worse are the night wake ups in panic - when I wonder where he is - and then realize it's just some established behavior pattern in my brain that hasn't gone away yet.

But, no smells.

Funny how after my mom died, I dreamed about her a lot, and I'd be thinking in the dream she was dead but there she was and it was okay.  But I don't dream about my dad, didn't really dream much about him after he died.  Why is that?  Why would I dream about her but not him?  His was a much more intense trial which I am sure explains the long time since his death and those moments when I panic and think I'm still caring or not watching him.

Perhaps, I just need a new adventure.  I'm bored.  The job is fine, doing quite well, even got a nice compliment from my manager recently I didn't expect.  I'm tired of the bankruptcy dragging out forever and now with the Apple Watch coming out I'm going to do a lot of over time and screw it up some more.

And yes, I ordered an Apple Watch even though I haven't worn a watch since Carter was president.  I have to support it and Apple was offering 50% off, so I bit.  Probably will sit on my desk, though there are some really cool things I can use it for biking.

Speaking of Alzheimer's, read a case recently in Iowa where an elderly couple married in their 60's, both their first spouses had died, and they found each other and a few years later she started coming down with Alzheimer's and they have charged the husband with rape because he had sex with her when she is legally incapable of intent.  Apparently her kids got the psychiatrist to make this determination and then the courts to agree and told the husband no more sex but he did so now he is charged with rape.

I'm like wow, that is a tough call, many things you do with an Alzheimer's patient you do without their consent, but then who would have ever thought of this one.  I've read stories about stuff going on in nursing homes which I am sure is one reason I made sure my parents never ended up in one, but never thought of this little problem, having one part of a couple with Alzheimer's and the other wanting sex.

Funny thing about sex.  Messes up your life to no end wanting it, chasing it, and getting it; and messes up your life when you are not.

Wouldn't it be nice if we were older?
Then we wouldn't have to wait so long
And wouldn't it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong
You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together
Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through
The happy times together we've been spending
I wish that every kiss was never ending...
Wouldn't it be nice?
Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray... it might
come true
Baby, then there wouldn't be a single thing we couldn't
do...
We could be married and then we'd be happy,
Wouldn't it be nice?
You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But let's talk about it...
Wouldn't it be nice?



Beach Boys

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