This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Saturday, April 25, 2015


Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?

Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day

I've had trouble sleeping all week.  Go to bed, can't sleep.  Try the couch, can't sleep.  Sleep on floor, can't sleep.  I think since last Sunday I've still been awake after two each night except the two I took a Motrin PM.  I never have problems sleeping, even when I was taking care of my mom or dad, I'd sleep with one eye opened and be instantly awake and the slightest sound, but I could fall asleep almost immediately.

And each morning I've felt like absolute hell.  Last night was up till after 3am, so I woke this morning and did something I rarely ever have done in my life - I decided to play hooky.  I called in sick, went back to bed, slept a few more hours, and spent the day just relaxing and reading.

And twice today when my alarms would go off to remind me it was time for work, I smiled and thought 'this was a great idea'.  So now I have a nice three day weekend.

But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

So I had a nice relaxing day.  Cooked a steak, made a salad, cut up the steak and put it on the salad and had a great meal at regular time.  I think that may be one thing going on, getting off work each night at 10pm and eating around 10:30pm, then trying to go to bed at midnight because I have to getup at 8 and I think it is catching up to me.  New schedule starts next week, same hours but M-F again, but I think I'll get off the split shift thing and go back to a 5by8 thing; then if I work late, I can sleep late - but going to try and get a 7 or 8 start time and have evenings free for the first time in a year.

Talked to Veritas Seminary and I can re up, my six classes will stand, and they will give me five years to complete.  So starting this fall I will start up working towards first a Masters in Theology, six more classes, but then another 10 and I can have a Masters in Religious Philosophy, which if all else stays equal for awhile, should take another two years, making the finish date sometime in 2018, or when I'm 60 years old.

Then I will do the bike adventure as soon as the dog dies, can't take him with and it would probably kill him for me to give him to someone else for three months - or kill them.

Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad but it's the life you lead
you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong,
You can't always see when you're right. you're right

I was shocked when I went to elyrics.net and searched on Billy Joel tunes to find this song last on the second of three pages.  The songs are listed by popularity and I can't believe this song is that far down the line.  Captain Jack was also late on page two.  Sad commentary on society.

So, this week I started reading or rereading John Gardner books.  I love his work, haven't read it for years though.  When I think back to my youth, two books in college completely blew my mind and changed the way I see the world, one is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance and the other is John Gardner's Grendel.  Grendel is the story of Ivanhoe and the last dragon, but Gardner wrote the book from the perspective of the last dragon - how different and how sad the story became - not about the hero slaying a dragon but the last of a great race, reduced in loneliness to entertaining himself scaring villagers just to pass the time, until the end, where he didn't mind dying and being done with it all.

Gardner wrote some magnificent books, he was not only a famous novelist, but an exceptional professor and wrote several books on writing; unfortunately, he died young, crashed his motorcycle sometime in the 1980's.  And if you search for him on Amazon, pay close attention, there is another John Gardner who earned his living penning James Bond novels, so don't get confused.  But I've bought and am now reading The Sunlight Dialogues and have four more of his novels lined up for reading his month and next, plus I'm going to start reading his three books on writing, maybe improve my skill and get another reader or something here.

You've got your passion, you've got your pride
but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

It's been difficult lately writing here.  The blog really has no focus,  just my ramblings or observations and who am I?  Who really cares what I think of Obama, immigration, etc.  I'm not a prophet who gets dreams I can share, I have no specialty where I can singularly focus on something, I'm, well, kind of like Grendel, I'm a generalist in a world where generalists are a dying breed.

Slow down, you crazy child
and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you

But, I will continue to write, mostly because I enjoy the process of writing.  I probably should research more and take more time but all these blogs I've posted are totally winged and written in one sitting, which is how I like to write.  And I will write about God, I will rave against the machine, I will fight the future, talk about myself because, well, there is no one else I can talk about anymore, and maybe someone will read and sometimes like what I write.  I guess that is enough.

Lagom.  It is enough.