This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Saturday, December 27, 2014


Were you surprised when you found out North Korea's internet was not functioning?  A country where 90% of the people don't have electricity and they have internet?  That's like a bald guy having Vitalis in the medicine cabinet.

So earlier this month, after spending 15 minutes or more in two parking lots watching a key just spin and spin in my steering column, I took it in and two days later had my car back and $700 unplanned bucks on my credit card, which is going to mess with my timing of filing bankruptcy.

Since I work at home, I can go four days without using the car, usually always drive on Saturday and Sunday and maybe one day during the middle of the week.

This week, the car pretty much sat all week since I was working 11 hour days supporting all the new high tech gadgets and went out today and spent 20 minutes removing 8 inches of snow from my car and then after changing got ready to go to the store, turn the key in my new 700 buck locking mechanism and well nothing really happened.

All the lights came on the dash, and I mean all of them, so it is probably not the battery, but I never head that clicky sound a bad starter makes so I guess it's just another load of dung to deal with in life.

I can handle the cost of a car repair, I know with old cars they come and I really don't mind one a year or thereabouts, but two in a month?

Of course, part of me is wondering when they put the steering wheel thing in, which is tied into the electrical system, did they short something out?  Can I convince them to replace with rebuilt parts from Bosch?

But tomorrow, I shall go a wandering with a knapsack on my back and walk 4 miles to the grocery store, fortunately last weekend bought 4 12packs of Pepsi Throwback for 10 bucks when I still had some at home so won't need my caffine fix, but will load up the knapsack and see how I like it.

I love to go a wandering, along the mountain trails
And as I go, I love to sing, my knapsack on my back
Valarie, valarah, Valarie, valarah ha ha ha ha ha ha

Stupid little song from childhood.

I've wondered what it would be like to live without a car.  Put a rack and bags on the back of the bike, knapsack on back, and I could handle the grocery shopping and the 40lbs of dogfood each month, though not sure how that works with 10 inches of snow.  Taxi to the vet or doctor?  Church will be a problem, it's a good 10 miles away.  Then again, my new schedule may soon have me working Sundays and Wednesdays so I won't be making it to church too often as it is, which is going to kind of suck.

But think after a year of biking and walking the shape I would be in; especially with my new love of burpees and such.  The idea is tempting me.  Plus, no car bills, gas, save 45 bucks a month in insurance.  Then just save money for 18 months and buy a nice used car that won't be like playing craps every time I want to start or stop.  Plus it would be good training if I ever decide to live out that crazy dream I have of riding my bike from Colorado to WV to take my mom's ashes home.  Or cure me of the dream.

Dreams are funny things.  We all have them, buried, never made public.  Are they delusions, some psychological trick we play on ourselves to make ourselves believe there is a better day ahead, that we have control of our lives, an illusion to keep us sane?  I often thought about that taking care of my dad, was this idea to ride across america just some trick I was using to maintain sanity?  Is it illusion or delusion - okay to have them just don't act them out?

Do we live in the now?  So few do, some live in the past, remember a day when they were young, maybe popular, did something great.  I remember my 20 year reunion and was amazed at people wanting to talk about some ballgame we played, game I pitched.  I never think about that stuff.  But being stuck in the past, is it worse than living always in the future, a better day?  How many work themselves to the bone, socking money into IRA's and 401K's, dreaming of the day they retire and have that home on a lake or a golf course and when they finally get to that day of retirement are physically so bad off they end up dying in their first year of retirement?

Then the wives live another 30 years on that money.  Always thought that was some sort of plot, feeding the husband bacon every morning while they eat yogurt just waiting for that artery to block so they get to keep all the stuff.

I always wonder if pedophiles are stuck in the past. Not enough to actually study or spend a lot of time thinking about it, but I remember the crush I had on Marcia Brady and use to get all excited watching the Brady Bunch and to this day I still feel that sexual attraction to her.  But I've never had that attraction to other young girls, certainly not as a adult, but wonder if a pedophile gets stuck on some girl; maybe some girl he knew in 4th or 5th grade and never got over.  Do  pedophiles have a type, always blonde or brunette, blue eye or brown eyed?  Hmm, oh well, not going to spend any time studying that subject.

And no I don't have the Brady Bunch on DVD.  Shame on you.

Maybe the fantasies keep us sane.  Parents dream dreams for their kids, can't wait for them to grow, then miss them when they are gone.  Kids dream of being on their own then still haven't cut the cord in their 30's.  We have delusions to how valuable we are to our work, we have delusions as to what shape we are in; all to give us some sense of control of our lives when in reality we really have no control; the weak vessel that blows, the car that runs a red light, all waiting in the future to destroy our illusion of control.  Decisions made in board rooms that effect the careers of employees they never know the name of.

Fate versus free will.  Which is the illusion.  Does it matter?

Look at me, look at you
You say we've got nothing left to prove
The King is dead, rock is done
You might be through but I've just begun
I don't know, I feel free and I won't let go
Before you go, there's something you ought to know

Dan is a fan and he lives for our music
It's the only thing that gets him by
He's watched us grow and he's seen all our shows
He's seen us low and he's seen us high
Oh, but you and me keep thinking
That the world's just passing us by

Don't want to spend my life living in a rock 'n' roll fantasy
Don't want to spend my life living on the edge of reality
Don't want to waste my life hiding away anymore
Don't want to spend my life living in a rock 'n' roll fantasy

The Kinks