This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014


Always one of my favorite book titles, Lance Rentzel I believe, though it wasn't a happy book or the typical sports book.

But that was what went thru my head when I read Robin Williams hung himself.  When all the laughter died to sorrow - and I was not 'shocked' by the news.

Comedians are a rare breed, more so than other entertainers, they feed on the laughter, feed on the attention.  Singers can move from large stadiums to hotel lounges and still get the rush, but what happens to comedians when no one is laughing any longer?

If you want to understand what might have been going on in Robin's head, watch his last interview on Ellen.  She holds up name after name and Robin performs while she guesses what he is, like a trained seal.

You once hold the world in the palm of your hands and now you are a trained seal.

And that is also an issue, holding the world in your hand and now he was in his sixties and 'broke'.  Not broke like you and I define broke, I mean I wish when I had money problems I could have sold a 35 million dollar ranch to make ends meet, but unable to live the lifestyle; and not where he imagined his life and career would be.

That is the trouble with expectations, you always fall short.  Have no goals, have no dreams of what your life will be in 10 years and when you get there you won't be all that disappointed.

Growing up with the name Dick, I developed one hell of a snappy wit, too snappy, too good sometimes.  Robin Williams was the only person I wouldn't have wanted to get into a cut down war with because he was just so damn fast, so damn quick and too damn smart.

See, when you are really smart, you think you don't need God.  When you are too rich, you don't need God.  And when Robin was at the end, he was too smart, to proud, to something to ask for God.

But Williams, like others who live and get their worth, their nourishment, from the attention of others, had demons; booze, drugs, women, all cries for some meaning in life, all attempts to find happiness and peace and all falling far short.  Maybe if he hadn't snorted, smoked, drank and slept around so much, he wouldn't have had money issues, two divorces - as he said "all the money was shortened to alimony".

I didn't know him, maybe I'm speaking out of school.  Just something I learned a long time ago that if you want to look for the person who is hurting, look for the class clown, the office comedian, the stand up comic.  It's pain, loneliness, and fear that drive them and it's that pain, loneliness, and fear that eventually kill them.

The man who made the entire world laugh, died alone, not laughing.  It had all died into sorrow.

All dead all dead
but I should not grieve
in time it comes to everyone
all dead all dead
but in hope I breathe
of course I don't believe
you're dead and gone

all dead and gone