This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Something happened to me the other day at the grocery store.  I was tooling thru the produce section, picking up my lettuce, tomatoes, broccoli, and stuff when I came to a stand with Ruby Red Grapefruit and I froze.

This is what the mind can do to a person over time.

Years ago, from college thru the new millennium, I loved Ruby Red Grapefruit.  I'd eat one who grapefruit with dinner, lunches, whenever I could.  I'd eat it with pizza, mexican, and sushi.  I craved it.  I drank ruby red grapefruit juice too.

When I was taking care of my mom, I went to the doc and he noticed my BP was up and I mean up.  He was also the doc for my mom and dad, so he knew the situation at home, knew I was working full time and taking care of my mom on mornings before work, evenings after work, and weekends.  So he got out the ol' script book and wrote scripts for two BP pills and for Xanax.  Well, I filled the Xanax but never filled the BP's and sure enough, taking Xanax lowered the ol' BP back to normal.

The problem was - you can't eat or drink grapefruit while taking Xanax.  Don't ask me why, says it right on the bottle.  Drowsy, don't operate machines or eat grapefruit.  So I gave up eating the grapefruit and this is what is weird… I totally forgot how much I loved grapefruit.

I stopped the Xanax when my dad died, back in June.  But not one time did the thought ever cross my mind I could eat grapefruit again.  Nada.  For seven months, I just walked past those juicy deep red delightful gifts from God until yesterday.

And I literally froze in the store, just looking at them as the cobwebs cleared from a part of my brain and I remembered.  And I bought six, there are two left in the fridge.

How does the brain work?  How does something like that get buried for so long, forgotten and then out of the blue, one day, it pops back up out of nowhere?  I've probably walked by those things for months and nothing registered until yesterday and now I nearly get a woody eating them the last two days.

It's like, jeez, I'm not sure I should tell this story, when I lived in Dallas I was in the produce section one day and the smell of peaches was overwhelming.  I struck up a conversation with a girl and one thing led to another, we went out of few times, and it was a good time, if you get the drift.  The problem was for about a year, anytime I went to the grocery store and the smell of peaches was strong, I'd, well, kind of get excited, which is not the best way to be walking around a grocery store.

Weird, huh.

But all this has me thinking, no - not about peaches - but what else did I forget?  What else did I use to eat and do that I put away in 1998 when I started focusing on caring for my mom and dad.  What other foods and activities have disappeared or hide suppressed in some corridor of my mind?

Somethings I've remembered before now.  I make a really great pasta sauce for a cold pasta salad, though I've used it on hot pasta two.  Are you ready?  Plain or vanilla yogurt and Gray Poupon(?  I tried it six ways and it keeps saying it is wrong, okay, for my readers I will look it up and hey, I got it right!  Fix your spell checker Google!  How do you expect to take over the world and humanity when you can't spell the second most popular mustard!)

But yes, yogurt and gray poupon.   Little cheese too.  Works great with artichoke hearts in the pasta too.  Stop turning up your nose and try it.  Just don't use to much mustard to start, one spoonful, stir and test, add 1/2 a spoonful at a time until it's how you like it.  Trust me.

I remember I use to bake a great banana nut bread, really healthy, well, except when I added the pot, but I KNOW I've told that story before about the bread and the dog.  Habits of the past that become things of yesterday, yesterdays become myths, and myths are forgotten in the lost memories of our youth.  Till one day, a crack appears and the thought slips into our consciousness and suddenly what was forgotten is remembered and it's been a very enjoyable two days reacquainting myself with a pleasure I never should have forgotten.  Grapefruits people, I'm talking about the grapefruit.

Sure wish I remembered that banana nutbread recipe.

By the way, thanks for all the well wishes on the new job.  It is going to be a struggle for the next six months, making ends meet, learning new job, filing bankruptcy, and moving to a less expensive place somewhere in CO which isn't easy; all those floods and fires makes occupancy rates here pretty high.  But there are two new complexes in FC coming online so maybe some rent relief is in sight.  But trying to balance all that with a new job, new place for about 200 less, keeping payments up until I can move then file the bankruptcy is going to take some juggling, but once done, I will live simply, semi poor, but with no 900 pound gorillas on my back for the first time in 15 years.

I should have saved
Those leftover dreams
But here's that rainy day

Here's that rainy day
They told me about
And I laughed at the thought
That it might turn out this way

Where is that worn out wish
That I threw aside

After it brought my love so near
Funny how love becomes
A cold rainy day
That rainy day is here

It's funny
How love becomes
A cold rainy day
That rainy day is here

Frank Sinatra