This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014


(sorry, I forgot the clever title when I posted it)

Thank you, #3.  Do I sound like Ersnt Blofeld of SPECTRE?

Anyways, your comment to the previous post set my mind a blazing:

The other night in a small group the fact that things will happen according to His plan, not ours came up and we spent a lot of time on that fact and that we should not despair overly about the times we live in. At 56 I've been under/unemployed for four years, I can relate to the despair but God's word is sovereign and we should not be decieved by those who say what their itching ears want to hear. I suggest 2Timothy.

So I reread 2nd Timothy, because who can proclaim they have read any book of the Bible enough, but I'm not sure specifically what you are pointing out.  By the way, did you notice what your group said was almost similar to what Tolkien says in LOTR?  Gandolf to Frodo?

The question that has burned in my mind since summer, you mention, His Plan - not ours.  This goes all the way back to the I80 example I gave about life, how this illusion of self destiny we think we have, picking our restaurants, our hotels, where we get gas, is all an illusion of self control because once we get on I80 going west, we are going to go to the Pacific Ocean, whether we planned to or not.

So how do we know what to do in life?  If we can only go by God's plan, then how much energy do we spend thinking and doing things, unknowingly, against His plan, only to be shut down?

Since my dad passed and I am no longer the Caretaker, who am I and what am I suppose to do with my life?  Do I patiently sit and wait for God to answer my prayers or do I proactively drive myself to a new career?  But what if that is not the career God wants?  See the dilemma?  If what will happen is already known by God, then it will happen, whether I do this or that?

Many times in life, we jump on some road; a career, marriage, kids, and then one day we look and can't figure out how we got where we are, when did this happen?  Our dreams, long suppressed into our subconscious, replaced by mortgages, college expenses, car payments, and careers that never became what we thought they would.  We became part of the world and never saw it happening.

And what exactly does "of the world" mean?  I read a dream some woman had where she was being attacked and pulled at by demons and she kept calling out for our Lord and the demons kept chomping away on her and suddenly she was at the cross and this great light, and a voice said something like you say you believe, but you are of this world, you have left the path.

She woke later and realized she had started following the ways of the world too much, figuring she was saved, it was okay.  But what does that mean?  How can you function in the world and not be part of the world?  How many pastors in the pulpits are more CEO than preacher?  How many partitioners are more Catholic or Baptist than Christian?  How does that pastor do a 60 second sermon so everyone can get home to see a gawd damn football game?

Did I just take the Lord's name in vain?  Or did the Christian pastor with a 60 second sermon?  Discuss.

Cheap grace.  Who exactly is saved?  I suspect many who think they are, are not.

And when we don't get the 'feeling' of being close to God in our churches, we then turn to alternative means, which may be perfectly valid or may be entries to allow evil to overcome us, but we don't realize it.  I've heard many bad things about 'remote viewing' but what are the sources of saying it's evil?  Wasn't John, in Revelation, remote viewing?  Was Gabriel Daniels 'spirit guide'?  Was David Wilkerson's Vision given by God or by Satan?  When we don't think or feel we are getting the answers, is it really that surprizing we try alternative means to hear God?  Let's face it, Satan doesn't show up looking like Mephistopheles, we'd all know to run.

It's like last summer when I was seriously realizing, by smell and then the night of the dog on the bed, that my dad's ghost was here and I chased it away.  Now I regret that, what if he'd been trying to say something?  Or maybe it wasn't him, but evil trying to take advantage.  I will never know now cause I sure the heck am not going to use some stupid board to try to talk to him.

By the way, I think Wilkerson's Vision was legit.  Many of us are not looking for visions, a simple pat on the back and nudge in the right direction would suffice.

How much of our lives is wasted, unknowingly fighting against God's plan?  Wasted energy.  The one book other than the Bible I thought was a great spiritual guidebook was The Tao.  I just figure Tao means God.  Then much of life makes more sense.  Our concept of God the Father is sorely lacking; we can't conceive of Him in our brains, not who or what He really is.  So we struggle against His plan, we struggle against life.  And what drives us nuts is seeing people who you KNOW are not working on God's best interest, living large, always getting ahead.  I mean, how exactly is Charlie Sheen still alive?  I mean a Christian can't pay rent next month and Charlie Sheen pays for a mansion for his first wife, a mansion for his second wife, and lives in a mansion with some gal who is apparently a porn star.  I don't want the porn star, or the ex wives, or the mansions - just a little room to breath.  Not coveting, just wishing God were a little better at marketing.

And yet, back in my heart, I know God will come through.  It's never how we want it, it's never when we want it, but it always seems to come just when we need it; even if we didn't know we need it.

Anyways, thanks #3 for making my brain work overtime today.

"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought."