A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

GOOD BYE 2013

Wow, some comments!  I thought I was down to imaginary readers only once again.  However, maybe Google is using my blog as part of the sample to test computer generated comments as a new feature of blogs, you can automatically generate computer comments and no one will know!  No thanks, because the next step will be computer generated blogs which means even our non paying jobs have been outsourced.

Been doing a lot of wasted time thinking of late about the past year.  No doubt in my mind, 2013 was the worst year of my life.  I've struggled and struggled to try to find something positive for the year, and the only thing I can think of is my dog didn't die and my car didn't suffer a major breakdown.  How sad, the best thing you can come up with for a year of life is your car didn't breakdown and my dog didn't die.  Then I read Doug Hagmann lost his dog of 13 years which just goes to show you, when you remove all the noise of life, it all comes down to a boy and his dog.  A boy and his dog: everything else is noise.

Now I find out that meteor is going to miss the Earth in a couple of months, so 2014 is getting off to a bad start too.

I've had bad years before, but the funny thing is mostly they were half years; half of 1981 and half of 1982 or half of 2009 and half of 2010, that type of thing.  I can't think of a year, from calendar beginning to calendar end that sucked so bad as this year did.  But I refuse to tempt fate and say 2014 can't be, well, you know what, because it's just asking fate to reply, "oh, yea, watch this!".

The year started with my dad, well on his way to the final resting place of a totally emptied brain, leading to my breakdown in March, followed by his death in June.  I seriously wish I'd just sold off everything in July and took off in the car in August with just what fit in the car. Oh, well,  C'est La Vie.  I'm now four days off of nic patches and my pulse rate has dropped from the 90's to the low 60's.  Somehow, that can't be a good stat.  Low 60's is good, 90's was not, but a sudden drop off of 1/3?  This should be interesting.

Anywho, then came the dream of being an author; writing that book, getting on some radio shows and selling less than 25 books.  Reminds me of walking up to a table full of girls from 2nd Ackley (dorm) at the Light Factory and asking one of the girls to dance and they all laughed.  Funny the things you never forget.  Fortunately, I'd been laughed at many a time by many a woman better looking than most of them so it didn't break my will at setting the goal at being rejected by more woman than any other guy in the world, which I set in 1991.  That was a good year.

And you know the funny part, that was the only time I was ever in the Light Factory because I refused to own or wear designer jeans or those stupid 1977 Leisure suits.

When I think about it, there really are only two things I ever wanted to do in life for a career: baseball player and author.  I had to give up my dream of being a ballplayer about 5 years ago when I realized even if I could master a knuckleball, I'd still be too old to play.  Plus I don't fly and I'm pretty sure that would present a problem for such a career choice.  So now my one other dream, crushed.  Black hole.  Nothing.

But actually, while I hated dorm living, those first couple of college years were not the worst years.  1981/82 was a bad time.  Got jilted.  You know the story, graduate college, want to marry the girl, get a job, settle down for 50 years and spend your old age at WalMart  together but she apparently doesn't like shopping at Wal Mart and dumps your ass right after graduation and relishes her role as the one that got away and filed the restraining order to make sure you couldn't follow, or something like that.  Then I had the bad years working for EDJ and after busting my butt for a year and half knocking on doors and making calls they tell me they will give me a choice, quit or fire me and like an idiot I quit.

Then the year where I couldn't sell the house, dad's alzheimer's was kicking in, and I thought for sure we were going to lose the house and it sold the month before I would miss the mortgage.  That was a full year, but was 1/2 and 1/2.  The second half of 2010 was fine.  Dad was easy to manage, we moved to CO, I had no debt, and had hope.

Actually, there are other bad years but why pile on.  See, this is why I hate looking back.  Now I am really getting depressed.  Forget yesterday, don't look more than a month or two into the future.  Be here now.  Keeps a guy from realizing how sad, useless, and hopeless his life has been.  Nothing to show.  Another Supertramp song.  See, everything you ever want to know about life can be found either in the Bible or in a Supertramp song.

But this year beats them all.  The first half taking care of my dad the last 6 months of his life and spending the next six months watching my dream of being an author die, while finding out the world finds me obsolete.  I've only got to make it two more days, the car only has to make it two more days, the dog- two more days and we will be in 2014.  A new year bringing the false sense of a change of fate because of an arbitrary calendar or place in the universe.  But sometimes, that is the best you can hope for.

And even though the stars are listening
The ocean's deep, I just go to sleep
And then I create the silent movie
You become the star, is that what you are, dear?
Your whisper tells a secret
Your laughter brings me joy
And a wonder of feeling I'm Nature's own little boy
But still the tears keep falling
They're raining from the sky
Well there's a lot of me got to go under before I get high