A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

FUTILITY, FRODO, AND BAD DREAMS THAT NEVER END

Man, am I sore today.  Yesterdays workout was two exercises: kettle swings and Turkish Get Ups.  Do 50 swings, then 10 Getups, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.  TGU are you lie on the ground, press a kettle bell with one arm into the air, then you go thru a series of steps to stand up and then reverse them till you are back on the ground, all the while holding the kettle bell up in the air above your head.  Not your daddy's Nautilus Machine.

Funny thing about Lord of the Rings.  When I first read the book in college, I simply could not relate to Frodo.  When I read it again in the 1990's, I still could not relate to Frodo.  Even when the movies came out, nothing there.  I related to Bilbo in The Hobbit.

Now, after four years of caring for my dad, when I read LOTR or watch the movies, I'm totally into Frodo, I totally understand, it's a totally different book, and I totally relate to how he felt when he got back to the Shire.  Hurts that never heal. Like, totally, man.

The job hunting is simply an exercise in futility.  I've sent out about 2 dozen more resumes tonight.  I even pushed on trying to get a night baker job at Panera then discovered starting pay is 9 bucks an hour.  Nine bucks.  Ten years ago, I made 100 bucks an hour.  I honestly think I could beg on the streets of Colorado and make more than 10 bucks an hour.  Put a sign over my head "Behold, the Obsolete Man".

I've always appreciated the argument that minimum wage is for teens and should be thought of as a starting wage.  But now in our society, so many jobs have gone overseas, tens of millions of people out of work, that retail is about the only place and minimum wage is just not livable.  The simple truth of the matter is the cost of living has been artificially published and is not the reality of life.  You know that.  You know costs have gone up more than 2% a year over the last 10 years.  But they juggle the numbers to keep the debt lower, as if 18 trillion isn't high, it allows them to keep the cost of living increases to a bare minimum, starving the elderly, and now you have a large portion of the baby boomers who have been kicked out of the game trying to make it on 9 bucks an hour?

Americans flounder while Wall Street roars.  One of these days, someone is going to wake the american people up and tell them to default on all their credit and send the banks and the whole economy into the toilet.

So I lay awake at night and think about defaulting on my loan, filing bankruptcy, signing up for welfare and foodstamps and I feel like I lost; I've given into something.  I see my future, a small studio apartment in a seedy part of town, an old man, books everywhere, ranting to God.  Oh, good, it's the holiday season too.

I had to take the picture of my folks down off the mantel.  I'd found myself toasting it recently, saying "Behold, mom and dad, your son.  Did you appreciate it?"  I thought taking care of someone with Alzheimer's messed up my head, but now I'm turning 56 next week, I have about 2k left on my credit card before I reach the limit, and 300 in the bank.  I am so screwed and there is no way out.  Not at 9 bucks an hour.  I should have just liquidated in July, put the dog in the car and driven a mile longer than the last of the road.

But a special thanks to the person who bought a book this month.  The pervert in NJ is still outselling me.  Evil wins again.  Bounty to the perverts, the thieves, and the worshipers of satan.

Where is God?  I pray and pray and, nothing.  I read the Bible and, nothing.  It just keeps sliding down hill to what end?  As Pink Floyd sang, "I thought I'd something more to say".

 Make a move in one direction
Try to make some compromise
But they greet you with rejection
Makin' out you're tellin' lies
Then they turn around and tell you
Better get down from the sky

For the sake of all that's holy
Listen good to what I say
I can feel them all around me
They could be here any day
But you act like you don't know me
Why d' you look at me that way

If there's one thing that is clear
We gotta get away from here
We've gotta leave this place
It's just a hopeless case
Ain't no one else to blame
We're gonna lose this game

Hey brother get off my back
I gotta tell you, you're way off the track
They got a hatred deep down inside
Ain't gonna let them take me alive
I'm gonna burn them down, just wait and see
Ain't gonna let them walk over me
Boy you ain't got no heart and soul
And your mind is weak and your blood's runnin' cold

You better move, you better hide
They're gettin' in, they're gettin' inside
If you get caught you better know
They're gonna reap, you're gonna sow
Don't be a fool, we gotta go
Ain't no place safe for us to stay
We better move on, we better move on

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