A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

WHAT DID I DO NOW, GOD?

I had a rather nice afternoon.  I spent hours and hours applying for jobs online and taking quiz after quiz to see if I qualify for an actual person to look at my resume.

It will be nice to be rejected by a human being soon, rather than by computer algorithm.  It boggles my mind, thinking how using the internet and computers to make all these decisions, would you buy a car without ever test driving it?  Would you pick a mate in life?  But then I realized people do that today.

But I called two of my references because it dawned on me I had not warned them of the coming potential onslaught of phone calls or emails they might be receiving asking them to give me a beautiful reference that I was the only person in the world who should be hired for whatever position I happen to be applying for this week.

It was nice to talk to old friends.  I so rarely do that anymore because, well frankly, I figured I was kind of a downer with taking care of my dad, his death, and now my coming potential total solar collapse into a black hole.

But one of them gave me some excellent advice which I'm not sure I will take, and that involves making my online presence on LinkedIn SING!  I hate social networking almost as much as I hate brussels sprouts and flying.  At least I don't have a picture of my dog on it anymore, that was so unprofessional, like I give a flying Fukushima.

So now I am getting this horrible feeling of getting dirty, of making myself yuky, by caving into the social networking world and making all the contacts with people I really don't hardly remember, begging people for recommendations so some head hunter somewhere can dig his way through to my profile and offer me a great job.  Cause if you don't do this, you are considered 'old'.

I prefer unique.  Especially since I can probably do more pushups than them.  Maybe.  Let's put it this way, can you pushup your age?  I can.  And I won't even think of listing that on LinkedIn.  I'm sorry, like business missing on getting the experience and knowledge of baby boomers for half price, why would you want to hire people who are so concerned with keeping up their social networks and dealing with all the headhunters contacting them constantly?

There is a reason 'old school' is popular; it doesn't mean the person is old, it means the person isn't jumping on the latest trends every 15 seconds.  Hell, I still dress in the same style clothing I dressed in the 1980's.  Jeans, oxford cloth shirts, t shirts with no writing, etc.  I just wish you could still get double breasted suits.

But what got me pondering things was something both of these friends and former bosses said, several times, about how good things were going in their life and how God is blessing them and providing clients for them and God is good to them, etc.

Does that mean God is not being good to me?  And here we are back to Job.  I don't know why I just don't write a commentary on Job.

See, the problem is if their lives are good because of God and my life is crap right now is it crap because of God?  Am I not doing something that they are doing?  Do they have favor with God while I'm out of favor?  Are all my problems punishment from God because I did something wrong or didn't do what I was suppose to and these two guys are pleasing God so life and business is good?

If God gets the credit for everything in your life that is good, who then is responsible for the bad things or when life goes bad?

My health is good, thank God.  But someone else is having health issues, maybe they ate well, worked out daily, but they have cancer.  Why is God blessing me and not blessing them?  Why does a seemingly good dad driving home from work tonight die in a car wreck and the drunken lout who beats his wife and then rapes his daughter live on to beat and rape another day?  Does the drunken lout think, 'thank God for my good health!'?

What was Job's sin?  He was a righteous man, did what God wanted, and had his whole life stripped away from him, except for the nagging wife.  His 'well to do' friends sat with him and discussed what Job must have done to cause God to punish him so, all the while thinking 'thank goodness I'm not Job'.  Was he rewarded in life because he was righteous or was he righteous because he was successful?  When it is all stripped away, he first blames himself, yet as time goes on he starts to justify himself to God.

But here we are back to today, where friends give thanks to God for all their successes while I wallow in poverty and thank God for my health, at least I have that, still.

I don't know, it just struck me strange, bugged me like a pebble in my shoe, and got me thinking.  To accept God is responsible for their success would imply that God is responsible for my failures, or at least they are right with God and I am not.  But I don't think God is responsible for my failures, I think I am responsible for the choices I made and the bed I lie; yet, I would not have changed the choice to care for my dad even though it has left me such.  And I will admit to a little Jobian issue that I expected God to reward me for taking care of my dad, that things would change but that is back to Job and his righteousness and Job and I thinking our 'goodness' deserves some sort of reward.

But it did make an impression on me that if life ever does reverse and I do become successful again, when talking to someone on the down side of life, be careful implying that God is being good to me and not to you.

But oh God, do I really have to do Linkedin.com to get a job?  Do we really have to sell our souls to the machine?   I think I'd rather live in my car and work a night job than give in to the dark side called social networking!  I like friends, not social network contacts that are not really friends.  I'd rather have just 5 people I could call friends than 5000 contacts on LinkedIn.

Wow, that last line would make a good country western song.

The songs that you once loved to sing
Are ones that make you cry
And wouldn't you just give it all to never say goodbye
We once lived in forevers
But we learned to say goodbye

Do you have a photograph when you were only growing
And your heart was in it
Little reason lots of rhyme
Were you happy in it
But your reason changed your mind
Did you love forever
But your reason changed your mind
Were you happy in it at the time

Is what you wanted long ago long gone from your mind
Asks a ghost in dreaming
Or a friend you left behind
The songs that you once loved to sing
Are the ones that make you cry
And wouldn't you just give it all to never say goodbye
Oh goodbye... goodbye... goodbye... goodbye…

Melanie

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