This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Friday, October 18, 2013


Are you happy?  I have thought about that question many times recently.  In spite of my hardships and arguing with God over the past year, I do have happy days where I just lock up anything I should be worrying about and ignore it all to watch clouds, enjoy the fall colors, walk the dog, chat with people, etc.

So right now in life, I would say I'm not the happiest clown on the planet, but I started paying attention recently and realized almost no one is happy.

I was coming out of a parking lot recently and traffic was backed up in front of me by a light, giving me a chance to observe drivers.  No one was smiling.  No one was talking.  One person was eating and another was texting.  But no one was happy, no one was singing, chatting with another in the car.

You see it walking around town.  Oh sure, the stoned college kids are laughing and having a good time, well, that is what college is for, the joy before the reality of life, a prolonged adolescence you think will last forever but will be over in a very short time.

I am seriously fighting the urge to get stoned again.  I will tell you a little secret about my brain.  I can't focus.  When I read, part of my brain is racing on other things.  When I watch TV, it's racing on other things.  I have to often reread entire chapters because while I was reading, something else was going on in my head.  That is why I watch a movie while I read.  It keeps the other side of the brain busy.

But in my youth and for a few years after, if I caught a light buzz, I could focus on a book completely, totally, for hours.  I got my highest test scores stoned.  Because I focused.  Oh well, where was I.

I don't see happy people in church, well, except the pastor, he seems to always be in a good mood.  But most of the people in the congregation are not real happy.  And I skipped the Wednesday night service this week.  Wednesday is prayer night and the list of people dying of this or that is getting pretty damn long and we pray week after week but I never hear of any of them making some miraculous recovery, just a new prayer for the family for the loss after weeks of praying for a recovery that never comes.  Plus, what appears to me a total lack of response to any prayer I've ask of God for the past couple of years, I'm starting to be afraid my praying for some guy dying might be the final kabash on the poor guy's life.

What are we missing in our belief in God?  We are suppose to be able to heal, but it is so rare.  God talks to so few of us, and many who think they are talking to God, probably are not.  I get very suspicious of all these people with visions that it's not God giving them the visions.  I read somewhere that the devil can't read out thoughts, but only hear when we speak, so I tend to pray silently.

Why does God allow Satan a PhD in marketing and the highest commissions?

Speaking of the devil's spawn, did you catch what happened today in DC?  With the new ceiling, we announced we suddenly spent nearly 400 billion dollars in one day.  ONE DAY!  That is after the numerical shenanigans I earlier told you about where the federal debt was frozen for over 100 days just below the ceiling and now we find out they were cooking the numbers and what we really spent was about 400 billion over those 100 days and it's now just catching up.

Maybe this is why no one is happy.  Deep down, we all see what is coming and just hope the music keeps playing a little longer.  By the time Obama leaves office in 2017 unless a well place meteor hit him on the golf course; tell me that wouldn't fill the churches on Sunday, our national debt will be well over 20 trillion dollars.  Right now over 6 trillion dollars are the IOUs in SS/Med.  That is money that was taken from us in payroll taxes, then taken out by congress and replaced with government bonds so they could spend the cash, and now we will have to use our tax money again to pay back the tax money that was stolen; that is double taxation folks.

I am telling you one more time.  The only way the government can get out of this is to wipe out the baby boom generation over the next 10 years.  Activate that SV40 virus that was in the polio vaccine or come up with some other way to get 90% of the baby boomers to die before they hit 70.  Some thing that will cause quick cancers, strokes or heart attacks.

God talked to a woman in DC.  I wish he would talk to the rest of us.

 Dawn is a feeling
A beautiful ceiling
The smell of grass
Just makes you pass
Into a dream

You're here today
No future fears
This day will last
A thousand years
If you want it to

You look around you
Things they astound you
So breathe in deep
You're not asleep
Open your mind

You're here today
No future fears
This day will last
A thousand years
If you want it to

Moody Blues