A MIND FOREVER VOYAGING THROUGH STRANGE SEAS OF THOUGHT, ALONE


This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.



The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

WHY DOES GOD GIVE A MAN A DREAM?

I am man who reveals all he digs,
Should be more careful what I say.

I'm getting put down,
I'm getting pushed round,
I'm being beaten every day.
My life's fading,
But things are changing,
I'm not gonna sit and weep again.


During the last three years of my dad's illness, I kept a blog.  It was mostly done to give me a place to express my frustrations, keep skills alive, and vent.  And in spite of all my jokes about my imaginary readers, I actually began to build a small following of readers, for which I will always be grateful.

Comments were a funny thing.  When I first started allowing comments on the blog, nothing much happened, then a few showed up and it was so strange to realize someone was actually reading the blog.  I became accustomed to getting some comments, then the comments didn't happen on a few blogs, making me wonder if those posts were not good, not funny, not interesting until I finally started getting disappointed when there were no comments, excited when there were, and suddenly my daily mood was now tied to comments and not just taking care of my dad.  It was confusing a confused person.

At some point, the thought crossed my mind, that maybe, just maybe, the blog would make an interesting book.  A first person account of a loved one dying from Alzheimer's and the absolute hell of life taking care of the person, where love conquers all, endures all.  And this dream blossomed in my head, this dream that when it was over, when it was done, that I would have a book that people would buy, people would read.  I'd get out of debt and maybe have a year to finish my Masters in Theology.

My karma tells me
You've been screwed again.
If you let them do it to you
You've got yourself to blame.
It's you who feels the pain
It's you that feels ashamed.


When he died, I sent out about two dozen letters to agents and got over a dozen rejections and never heard from the rest.  Thank goodness my history of dating and my history as a broker with EDJ prepared me well for rejection.  But the dream burned in me, I just knew God wouldn't give me this dream and not make it happen.

So I decided to self publish the book on Amazon as an eBook for Kindle.  Everyone can read Kindle, they have free software for every computer, laptop, pad, or phone in the world except that old Compaq running OS/2 Warp.

I still think OS/2 Warp was the best OS of the 20th Century.

I am a young man
I ain't done very much,
You men should remember how you used to fight.
Just like a child, I've been seeing only dreams,
I'm all mixed up but I know what's right.
I'm getting put down


Then I started to contact radio shows I listened to on the net.  One of the first people I contacted was John Loeffler of Steel on Steel.  I've listened to his show for over a decade and we have this strange buddy thing going where we go a year or two without talking and then one of us will call and conversations will last over an hour.  John liked the story, he'd been through something similar with his mom, and we recorded a show in July which finally played this weekend.   Ironically, another  producer of a show I contacted was reading my new blog, which is what you are reading now, and was thinking I would be an interesting guest and was trying to figure out how to contact me when I contacted him and the whole karma thing made me think, here we go!

So last Thursday I was on Hagmann and Hagmann for an hour except it was going well so they held me over another 20 minutes into the third hour.  So here we go!

Thursday night on Hagmann, Saturday morning on Steel on Steel.

I've sold two books.  Two.  Dos.  Deux.  Ni.

Every year is the same
And I feel it again,
I'm a loser - no chance to win.
Leaves start falling,
Come down is calling,
Loneliness starts sinking in.



Now, the funny thing is before I sold those two books, my total book sales were 10, which I guess is a pretty close estimate to the number of friends I really got,  and I had dropped to 980,450 or something like that on the Amazon best selling list. I think they stopped listing your position after you reach 1 million, so I was close to dropping off the map.   After those two initial sales after H&H, I'd moved up to 70,000 something which I found fascinating you could move up 900,000 positions by selling two books.  Thought that was interesting.

Two books.

Why did God plant this dream in me just to crush it, to crush me?  I'm trying to pick myself up off the ground after doing the right thing in life and this is just a kick in the balls I really didn't need.  Isn't that the point of Job, or the sin of Job; thinking since he was doing the right thing he deserved something?   I've wasted 90 days of my life, dreaming, believing.  Why?  Why hasn't a 55 year old guy figured it out by now?  Why do I still hold onto dreams, ambition, thinking there is something out there still to find, to discover, to wonder.

I didn't get into a line, I didn't find my place in life's line, and now there are no lines left.

Two books.  Deux.

And fool that I am till the day I die, I'm going to spend the weekend contacting other producers of other radio shows, piggy backing on my two appearances to try to get on more shows.  Cause that is who I am: never give up, never quit, never give in.  The black knight in the Holy Grail.  Dick Quixote, the sequel Cervantes Saavedra never had a chance to write.

My advice, for what it's worth, to the youth of today?  Learn a trade.  Learn to fix expensive fancy cars, learn to remodel kitchens and remodel bathrooms.  You will always have a job.  It's not much, but it is better than being a dreamer.

On the dry and dusty road,
The nights we spend apart alone.
I need to get back home to cool, cool rain.
I can't sleep and I lay and I think,
The night is hot and black as ink.
Oh God, I need a drink of cool, cool rain.

Lyrics from Quadrophenia by The Who

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