This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Friday, September 6, 2013


I'm in a mood to argue with God.  Again.

In my life, I sometimes get this feeling that most people who believe in God have similar ideas of God.  There is God The Magic Genie, that will bless believers with this or that if they pray just the right way, go to the right church, read their Bible enough days in a row, or do something that will please God.  Besides the issue of works, I'm not sure God appreciates being thought of as a magic genie.  Yet even bible scholars such as Wilkerson, who wrote the book about the Jabez prayer, has this genie view.  If you just repeat the Jabez prayer over and over and over, you will suddenly be blessed with success and riches.

More deep thinkers tend to view God in some cosmic battle with satan, moving pieces here and there on some cosmic chessboard as needed to fulfill prophecies and thwart the devil from screwing with His plans.  In some ways, you can kind of see this play out in the Book of Job, the life of Joseph, Moses, Elijah, Jesus, and the disciples.  Sometimes, I've related to this theory of God.

Frankly, often of late, I think we are nothing more than some sort of God's pets.  We live in God's big aquarium and some of us get really fresh water, good food, cool little toys to swim around in while others sometimes find our water isn't getting changed, the food is cheap crap, and all the toys to swim around with are broken.  And finally others, the water is never changed, sometimes you feel like you are swimming around in God's toilet, the food is never there, and irregardless of what the little pets do to try to please their master, you just can't seem to get out of the toilet.

Of course, as a Christian who believes in God, His only begotten Son, and the Holy Ghost, but is not sure if they believe in me anymore; I know there is an easy way out of all this.  You switch sides.

See, the devil totally out markets God.  The devil is like a Professor of Marketing from Northwestern who worked for Proctor and Gamble for years while God's marketing plan is a dirty kid selling lemonade at a lemonade stand with a sign "Everlasting Life".  If you are on God's team and decide to switch sides, the devil has a great life plan for you that will promise you money, nice cars, chicks or guys whichever you prefer, both, you can have it all and the only time you get a bill is when you die.

Unfortunately, if you are an atheist, you probably don't get as good a deal because the devil already has your soul.  All he has to do is make sure you keep thinking God doesn't exist.

I guess what brought this all on was me sitting around last night planning for the possibility of becoming homeless in a couple of months.  I've paid 3 months rent on the CC, will eat and pay bills off the CC, so I figure I got about two months before the bank figures it out.   Book is not selling; the one radio interview I did has never aired.  The show that almost had me on bounced me and now I'm off their radar because apparently the world is coming to an end, which at this point, to be honest, wouldn't bother me a bit.  I've sent out about 30 resumes for jobs and so far heard nothing.  Contacted another dozen stations for a radio interview and nothing.  I am a dinosaur, out of place, out of time.  I'm even living in an area of the country I don't really like, but I'm stuck.  Stuck on nothing.

I thought God would reward me for doing the right thing, take care of me.  I thought taking care of my dad would earn me some kind of blessing afterwards, maybe it will, God just isn't ready, testing my faith, playing with his little doggie.  Are we God's pets?

I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I hate feeling sorry for myself.  So I'm pissed at life, upset with God, pissed at myself, pissed at the world.   Maybe this is some sort of phase all caretakers go through afterwards, I suppose the cycle you go through has a lot to do with whether you got money at the end or not.  I know one cousin that after her dad died, she spent the summer in Europe.  Probably easy to mourn touring the ruins and drinking wine while eating french food.

So what is one of God's pets suppose to do?  Do I need to pray more?  Do I need to read my Bible and after I reach a certain word count the little lever is depressed and I get a treat?  Thy will be done.  And if we get trampled in the process, who are we to complain?

Somewhere the devil is enjoying this little play.  For all I know, God is getting a real hoot out of it too.  I seem to be the only one not finding things very funny.

God, are we nothing more than little rats in a maze, running around for your amusement?

There's a little black spot on the Sun today
It's the same old thing as yesterday
There's a black hat caught in a high tree top
There's a flag pole rag and the wind won't stop

I have stood here before inside the pouring rain
With the world turning circles running 'round my brain
I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign
But it's my destiny to be the king of pain

There's a fossil that's trapped in a high cliff wall (that's my soul up there)
There's a dead salmon frozen in a waterfall (that's my soul up there)
There's a blue whale beached by a springtide's ebb (that's my soul up there)
There's a butterfly trapped in a spider's web (that's my soul up there)