This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Monday, July 29, 2013


The other night, I lay awake in bed for several hours, as is the new usual, and had a one sided conversation with God.  Unfortunately, once again, it seemed I did all the talking.  Just once, wouldn't it be cool if you started out "Dear God" and God said, "Okay, I'm here, let's talk."

But the conversation the other night was my feeling of being stuck and not knowing what to do.  What makes this kind of strange is being stuck is not something I am use to feeling.  Making choices, adjusting, making choices while others sit around scratching their heads in confusion, afraid to make decisions is something I've always been exceptional at, with a couple of exceptions, usually involving a girl dumping my butt right after I reached a point where I thought everything was great.  Thus one of my theories of the opposite sex:

"When things start to feel swell, it is all about to go to hell".  Okay, crap, now I'm thinking about women of my past again, I hate going into those times, faces, and years.  I also just realized, after all these years, the Freudian entendre.

But my problem now, as I started to explain to God is I just don't know what to do.  It didn't come to the end I expected.  I thought I'd finish my Masters in Theo and then be off and running on a new career, but no.  So what do I do?  Go out and find a job for about 5 years, finish the masters and maybe a different one in Biblical Studies and then make the changes?  But what exactly does a 55 year old man do when trying to start a new job against people 20 years younger?

And the kicker is, God knows what will happen.  See, for us, in the box, time is linear.  There is a past, the moment is the present, and there is the future, nice Trinity, huh.  But we really go through life and all we have to make our decisions today are the moments of the past and we really don't understand the present until it is the past.  It's like we are traveling on a train, with our backs to the direction we are going, and all we can really see is the past and the present out the window.  We think we know where the train is going, we bought a ticket for the future, but we really only know the past and present.

By the way, that is also the safest way to ride a train.  Sit with your back in the direction the train is going and if you are in a sleeper, sleep with your feet pointed in the direction the train is going.  That way if the train hits something you don't go flying head first into some solid object.

Where was I, oh yea, talking to God.  God, unlike us, sits above the whole thing and sees the train, where it's been and where it's going.  One thousand years from now is no different than 2000 years ago, just a different spot on the cosmic chessboard.  So bringing it down from the macro to the micro, God knows what is going to happen to me, where I will work, what will happen next and when you think about it, there is nothing I can do to change anything that will happen.  God knows, He sees, we are clueless.

So why should I do anything?  Why should I worry?  Why should I try?  But then if I don't try, does God provide a push to make it happen and stay on track or did He know before time began that I was going to hang it up, give it up, and the future of homelessness was always in the cards, which means no matter how hard I look for a job, I will still end up homeless.  Is it any wonder I'm having trouble falling asleep at night?

I've got all these lanes of traffic racing around in different directions in my head and I can't seem to get them traveling in the same direction let alone stopping for the night to rest.

Okay, I'm back.  Had to take a break.  I'm listening to some tunes and Silver Springs by Fleetwood came on and I just had to pick up the flute and play along.  This is one of the songs I played, sitting on the roof of my car in the middle of a snowstorm in Toronto.  Traffic was totally stopped, I was bored, so cranked the tune and, well, it was one of those things you just had to be there to appreciate.  Unlike the old couple in the car next to me who kept trying to inch as far away as they could from my car.

So what this all is leading up to is what I discussed last March after my dad ended up in the hospital and the realization that even if I did everything differently, none of it would have mattered, we were still going to end up at that point in the disease where he was totally uncontrollable and I would finally have a breakdown.  So the illumination of this illusion we have of free choice, that we control our fates, when the bottom line of truth is we are really not in control of anything.  I don't care how many Tony Robbins tapes you've listened to, how much an expert you are with the Franklin Planner, one drunk running a light, one pressure release from the earth,  a tornado, or meteor or an infinite number of variables being released will just ruin the best laid plans of mice and man.

I do remember one other time in my life when I got stuck and everything I seemed to choose was bad and I started flipping a coin to make all my decisions.  This was about 1985 or so.  Drove others nuts; "hey, wanna go out after work?" and I'd flip the coin and go "No".  But the strangest thing started happening.  My life started coming together fairly well; though I did finally learn not to tell others I was making all my decisions with a coin flip.

So what do I do now God?  Nothing?  Try hard?  What difference, in the end, does it really make?  Memento mori, as the French say.

Time cast it's spell on you
But you won't forget me
I know I could have loved you
But you would not let me

I'll follow you down
Till the sound of my voice will haunt you
You'll never get away
From the sound of the woman that loves you
I'll follow you down
Till the sound of my voice will haunt you

Was I just a fool...You'll never get away
From the sound of the woman that loved you
Was I just a fool...I'll follow you down
Till the sound of my voice will haunt you
give me just a chance
(you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loved you)
never get away
never get away
never get away
You could be my silver spring
Blue green colors flashing

Fleetwood Mac