This is my second blog.

My first blog chronicled my experiences over three years caring for my dad as he lived through and finally died from Alzheimer's. That is the book that is for sale.

This second blog kind of chronicles of life, what it is like to start your life over in your late 50's. After caretaking, you are damaged, file bankruptcy, and the world doesn't care what you did. After 8 months of unemployment, you wake each day knowing the world doesn't want you. Finally you do find a job, 5 weeks before homelessness, but doing what you did 30 years ago and getting paid what you did 30 years ago. So this is starting over.

The object of life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane.

Friday, June 28, 2013


For three years, I wrote on the blog The Cognitive Dissonance of Barkley Pontree about my dad dying of Alzheimer's and the insanity of trying to care for him on a daily basis.  Hopefully, I will be able to turn that blog into a book, we shall see.

My dad died on June 19th, 2013 and it was not a good final hour.  But that is my burden to carry; this blog is an outlet for me to write as well as a subject probably not often covered; what happens to a caretaker when there is no one left to care for?

The first week was much more difficult than I imagined it would be.  I added to the problem by going cold turkey off of Xanax.  So sleeping is a problem.  And I sold the TV, so that is a withdrawal also.  Who knew I'd miss reruns of Rules of Engagement and Kojak late at night?  Gee, I can't wait until next week when I give up nicotine patches and Pepsi.  Hide the kids and pets.

But today's Chautauqua will be about the trial in Florida, which has certainly replaced California as the strangest state in America, especially when it comes to trials.  This years adventure in crazy is the Zimmerman trial, which probably should not even be a trail, except that the black "send me money" preacher team of Jackson and Sharpton forced the state to press charges on a case that there is no evidence but still might result in a conviction.

I was interested in reading about the young black woman who testified for the prosecution the past two days.  I actually kind of admired the girl.  She is relatively illiterate and was in way over her head, but she got her nails done special which is a fascinating comment.  There are two articles linked on Drudge by black women as to why white people don't understand what she is about and I think everyone should take the time to read them.

One of the subjects that fascinate me is when can you use a gun in self defense?  If someone is pounding on you, beating the crap out of you, are faster, stronger, quicker, and a better fighter than you are, can you pull your gun to save yourself from a beating?  The problem lies in when someone is beating the tar out of you, it won't be until the fight is over when you know if you just got the tar beat out of you or if you are a veggie in a coma or if you are dead.  If Zimmerman were a woman and she thought she was going to be raped, no one would question the decision; but a fight is something different.  People are killed every day in this country in a beating, most never are big news stories, so to say you thought your life was in danger is not a stretch of the imagination.  And once he pulled the gun, he had to use it and not risk it being taken from him and used against him.  This is an interesting question that really needs to be answered about at what level of threat can a person pull a gun and use it in self defense.  Because if Zimmerman is convicted, is the message really going to be if a white person shoots a black person you can assume you are going to have a lot of legal problems in your future?  And the truth is, anytime you throw a punch, you can kill a person.  They can fall and hit their head, a bone could dislodge and cause damage to internal organs, a blow to the chest could stop a heart.  It's not like television folks, you can't Chuck Norris cowboy boot kick a guy in the head five times and have him still standing.  One kick to the head and it's lights out and maybe life over.

The second story I found interesting was the idea that if Zimmerman is acquitted, blacks will riot.  That is a tremendous amount of pressure to put on a jury of all women.  The idea if they hang or find him not guilty, that cities will burn, people will die, or find him guilty and avoid all that conflict.  And will Obama use the riots as justification for the concept of some sort of marital law?  Gun confiscation?  Who knows, I won't put anything past Obama or our government at this point.

So that is what is running through my mind today.  I picked up my dad's ashes this morning; it always surprises me how heavy a persons ashes can be.  I've cleaned just about every room in the apartment now; I've moved my bed to his old bedroom and it was a little strange sleeping in there last night.  I sold his bed frame, the TV, and hopefully soon will sell his Rock Island books, some limited edition prints I've owned, and hopefully his 10k life insurance will arrive soon and I can pay off the two credit cards, a friend, and then take July off to decompress and figure out what I want to do with my life.  I am also getting ready a query letter for literary agents to see if I can publish my old blog as a book, but I suspect it would be wise to have a Plan B and Plan C in place.

Now life is sweet, and what it brings I tried to take
But loneliness, it wears me out, it lies in wait
And all not lost, still in my eye
Shadow of necklace across your thigh
I might have lived my life in a dream, but I swear it, this is real
Memory fuses and shatters like glass
Mercurial future, forget the past
But it's you, it's what I feel